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A Golfing Fiasco and Tales of Frantic Urination

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Thanks to everyone who downloaded and read A Convenience Story over the weekend.  I hope you enjoyed it.  And thanks, especially, to the folks who helped me promote the eBook, via Twitter and Facebook.  I hoist a frosty glass of what’ll eventually kill me in your honor!

If you don’t have your copy yet, what in the finger-snapping heck are you waiting for?  Grab it now, right this very minute.  Here’s your link.

I know you’re going to find this hard to believe, but our upstairs crapatorium still isn’t finished.  Today, supposedly.  On Sunday the contractor said he was going to pull a late-nighter, and get it finished “no matter what.”  And around 5 o’clock he packed up his stuff, and went home.

Hey, your guess is as good as mine…

Yes, I sure am glad the guy’s not working by the hour, because he doesn’t exactly move like Mrs. Howell on radioactive beets.  But he’s doing a good job, as far as I can tell.

It’s looking really good up there.  In fact, we’ll probably be loading up on the Starbucks coffee and Sunkist orange drink, so we’ll be forced to use the room more often.  I can hear the Secrets now, “Ahhhh, he got to have an upstairs assplosion last time!  It’s my turn now!!”

Hopefully I’ll be telling you it’s completed in tomorrow’s update.  But I doubt it.  I think the guy’s a member of our family now; I think he lives here, I’m just not sure.

On Thursday I took the younger Secret golfing, and it was pretty much a fiasco.

I insisted we go to a little Par 3 course, not far from our house.  It’s usually abandoned, or nearly-abandoned, and the holes are so short it’s hard to get into any real trouble – even for me.  You can basically use a 7-iron and a putter, and nothing else.  It’s as close to real golf as I’m comfortable with.

There was another fat man and son playing two or three holes ahead of us, but we were far enough apart so as to avoid awkward tension.  We pretty much had the whole place to ourselves.

And do you ever notice that when you go bowling, or play golf after not having done so in a long time, you usually do really well in the beginning?  It’s true.  I bowl maybe one time per year, usually three games, and I always start out like a pro.  Then the wheels fly off.

Same thing with golf.  I seriously thought I’d hit a hole-in-one on Thursday, with my very first swing.  The ball landed about two feet from the flag, and rolled to within inches of it.  I couldn’t believe what was happening before me.

But it went downhill from there, fast.

On the second hole, I think, I bent over to pick up a ball, and the button on my shorts came rocketing off.  (I’m not sure where it finally ended up, I’m just thankful my son wasn’t blinded.)  And my pants fell down roughly a half-dozen times before we went home.

Usually you can zip up a pair of pants without a button and ratchet the little tab over, and it’ll hold.  But these were shorts made of some kind of heavy material, and I couldn’t get the tab to do its duty.  And almost every time I teed-off I was left standing there in my underwear, my shorts bunched around my ankles.  I thought the Secret was going to die laughing.

Also there were roughly 100 million gnats on that golf course, and I had to pee like Man O’ War during the entire game.  I really shouldn’t have polished off that McDonald’s sweet tea while we were driving…

I seriously considered sneaking off into the woods, letting go of my shorts, and relieving myself into a patch of poison ivy.  But I was convinced the course was loaded with surveillance cameras, and they were already laughing and watching our every move, because of my Buster Keaton pants.

And how would I explain to Toney, that while she was out of town our son was taken into temporary custody by the state, after I was arrested on a public urination rap?  It wasn’t really a conversation I wanted to have…

So, I didn’t have a very good time, to tell you the truth.  Those shorts were so damn heavy they just wanted to be down.  They were like theater curtains.  I started playing with my legs spread completely apart, so the pants couldn’t physically move, but I was so low to the ground I needed to choke up on my club.

It was a pitiful display.

When we finally finished I almost ripped the door off the pro shop, and hollered, “BATHROOM!  Where’s the bathroom?!”  Mr. Polo Shirt pointed in a general direction, and I was gone before he could actually say anything.

And I’m pretty sure I power-etched a deep groove in their porcelain, stripped that shit all the way down to raw steel.  But that’s their problem; I’m a very busy man.

Do you have any “needing to pee with a powerful urgency” stories to tell? I can think of two more, right off the top of my head…

A million years ago I was driving to a picnic with a girlfriend, and she needed to go. Right now. But we were on country roads, and she wasn’t too receptive to the idea of squatting behind a bush. She wanted me to try to find a gas station, or a diner, or something.

So we kept driving, and saw nothing but cows and barns. Eventually she started freaking out a little, and was almost speaking in tongues.

Then she did something I’ll never forget… She turned around and opened the cooler, which was on the backseat. And she grabbed a bottle of Heinz ketchup, wedged it tight between her legs, and held onto the neck with both hands like she was trying to land a damaged airplane.

I knew better than to make any comments about this curious turn of events, but plenty of them were flying around inside my head. We finally found an old filling station, straight out of 1952, and she tossed her ketchup bottle aside and went running.

And on the last day of school in 11th grade (I think), I needed to visit a urinal in the worst way. But I happened to be in a class led by a woman who hated me, and she told me to sit down and shut up when I asked if I could be excused.

Of course it kept getting worse and worse, and I could feel my inner organs beginning to ache. And not just my bladder, either. I’m talking lungs, etc.

Then I started seeing spots, and my dead grandfather was there…

Screw this, I thought, and walked out the door. Mrs. W. hollered, all frantic and shrill, “Jeff, what do you think you’re doing?! I didn’t say you could leave this classroom!!!” and that sort of thing.

When I returned, five minutes later, she said in front of the whole class, “Jeff Kay, what are you ON?!”

Man, I hated that woman, and the feeling was completely mutual. I should’ve just walked to the front of her class, taken it out, and relieved the pressure while doing The Twist. Heh.

And that’s gonna do it for today, children. If you have any stories along those lines, we need to hear them without hesitation. Use the comments section below.

Oh, and one more thing before I go… I’d like to start a gallery of Surf Reporters rocking the new shirt. Please send me a photo, and I’ll post it at the site. It can be a regular snapshot, or get creative with it, whatever. Send it to jeff (at) thewvsr dotcom.

And good God, I just read Metten’s latest at Mockable… Don’t miss it!  I’m still laughing.  A perfect companion piece to today’s update!

I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.

Filed under: Daily

Golf Spike Guide – How to Change a Golf Spike Properly

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In a game that requires a high level of accuracy and focus such as golf, the players need as much stability as they can muster. This stability is accorded to them by golf spikes, the small and spiky projections found on the underside of golf shoes. Golf spikes give the user proper traction for walking and moving around on sand, grass, and gravel found on the course. Given this function, golf spikes are subject to a lot of wear. In order to maintain their reliability, these spikes must be changed properly and regularly. This golf spike guide can breeze you through the process of changing them.

When to change spikes

Most golfers only change their spike when they become old and rusty. However, many a golf spike guide would recommend a more frequent changing time. In general, daily golfers are advised to change soft spikes once every other month, regardless of the spike’s condition. Likewise, weekend golfers should change their spikes every six months even if they are not yet fully worn down.

Golf spike guide to changing spikes

Before removing any of the spikes, make sure that you remove any accumulated dirt or grass from the underside of your golf shoes. After the shoes are clean, use a special cleat wrench and take out the spikes one at a time. Most spikes detach when turned counterclockwise. The next step is to clear off any dirt in the spike holes. The holes must be cleaned to make the insertion of new golf spikes a lot easier. Fit the new spikes into the holes and screw them in a clockwise manner. You can finish off the job by using cleat wrench again, this time to make sure that the spikes are tightly in place and would not fall off during your next golf game.

Clicgear Golf 2.0 Push Cart – How to find great deals

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Looking around for some great deals on the Clicgear 2.0 Push Golf Cart related?

Golf Cart Tires

If you find the right place, you can really low price on this excellent golf cart.

Read on and tell you where you can go to find them.

But I would like some information on what these golf carts, how, why are not the only person to provide for their shopping. There are many people out there who are looking for the Clicgear 2.0 Push Golf Cartbecause it is a very popular item.

Why Clicgear Push Cart is great

If golf on a hot day, not a wheelbarrow, it is extremely difficult, to be plodding along the trail with pounds of golf clubs and a large heavy golf bag wrapped around the shoulder. You can imagine how painful that after a few holes? After the game as a whole to eighteen holes there are many back injuries, neck and spine that have a couple of weeks and can hurtcan cause serious problems in taking the time to ask any chiropractor.

After creating the Clicgear 2.0 Push Golf Cart do not have this problem. You can still focus on fun and still keep your golf swing high without dragging all devices. It can easily be moved to make a car with an aluminum frame for stability and strength.

Here are some more advantages with the Clicgear 2.0 Push Golf Cart displayed:

store Cup holders for drinks and hooksTowels, to clean your clubs Tyres with a nice wide track, travel, just slip through the channel without stopping Brakes on wheels so you can park on a slope or elsewhere and did not roll away

It is also built with a compact design so it will work when you are done. This makes it easy to store, so they do not receive the extra space in your garage.

How To Get Great Deals

No matter what color or design of ClicgearOptionally, you can still consider a price much better than what you ask your friends or neighbors.

Do not waste your time searching online for hours. View a Web site that finds these deals for you.

Clicgear Golf 2.0 Push Cart – How to find great deals

Handicapped-accessible disc golf course at Wil-O-Way Center

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Milwaukee County has created a disc golf course that provides access for people in wheelchairs.

The course offers three holes on relatively flat terrain and shorter distances on the grounds of the Wil-O-Way Center, 10602 Underwood Parkway, Wauwatosa.

“The Underwood Course hugs along the pathway and offers an opportunity for wheelchair users to play the game,” said Tim Ochnikowski, assistant director of the county’s Office for Persons with Disabilities.

The tee markers, where people drive their discs, and the baskets that serve as holes are up. With no snow on the ground people of all abilities can play the course this holiday season.

The county also created a disc golf course at the Grant Park Wil-O-Way Center in South Milwaukee.

“The Grant course is more challenging as it requires more use of going over grass,” Ochnikowski said.

Beginning disc golfers will find the Underwood Course provides a good learning environment or a practice ground for one’s short game, he said.

The courses are open to the public as long as the facility isn’t reserved for a group outing. Admission is free, and players need to bring their own discs.

The website, County.Milwaukee.gov/WilOWayDiscGolf, provides information about both courses and has a scorecard that can be downloaded.

How To Play Golf – 3 Tips To Making Golf a Simple Game

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When you understand the secrets of shooting lower scores, you’ll find that playing great golf is really simple.

When you learn the secrets of shooting lower scores, you’ll find that relaxation and confidence that you’ve been looking for on the course.

When you learn the secrets of making golf simple, you’ll be kicking someone’s behind next time on the course.

Here are three tips to playing great golf:

Driving the Golf Ball – This could very well be the most important part of the golf game. I don’t care what so called experts tell you, if you’ve ever played a round of golf in which you spent most of your time in the rough, trying to hack out of trees, or in the other holes on the fairway, then you know that not only is playing golf like this frustrating, (funny to your partners) and embarrassing, but doesn’t equate to lower scores.

If you want to shoot lower scores, the very best thing you can do for yourself is learn to hit the fairway off the tee.

Plus, you can guess what happens to your confidence when you step up to the first tee feeling like you’re about to play the best round of golf you’ve ever played and ping you hit the ball, look up and there it goes sailing into trees.FORE

I am not saying that the short game isn’t important. It is, but it gets so much attention because there are very few people that spend adequate time with the correct equipment working on hitting the fairway. The first thing you can do is get a driver that is a little shorter. This will increase accuracy and only take a few yards off your distance. But what good is hitting it far, if your in the rough, sandtrap or water for the next shot. I tell you now, golf is a much easier game when you are playing your next shot from the fairway.

Putting for Par – You can shave 5-10 strokes off your game by learning how to direct the ball on the putting surface. There’s nothing more frustrating than getting to the green in regulation and then 3-putting for bogey. Oooooh, you could just scream. Many times you probably do.

Spend time learning distance control, reading breaks, and making every putt inside of 4 feet. This should be your beginning goal on the putting surface. Your first putt should put it inside your automatic range, and your second putt should be automatic. Your first step to being a putting genius and lowering your golf score by at least 7 strokes, is to create an automatic range by practice putting from 2 feet. Then, as that range becomes automatic, back up to 3 feet, then 4 feet. When you take this simple approach to the putting green, it should relax you and put you on the easy road to shooting lower scores.

Course management – The part of the game that nobody wants to talk about, but can lower your scores by 3-5 strokes and decrease your frustration on the golf course. In order to manage the course well, you need to hit the driving range.

Why? Because you need to know EXACTLY what you are capable of doing with every club in your bag. You’ll want to know how far you hit the ball (carry and roll) from different lies and become comfortable with every club in your bag.

Here’s a secret on comfort level with clubs.take the ones out that you simply cannot hit consistently, comfortably, and replace them with ones you can. I play Driver, 3w, 5w, 7w, Hybrid, 6i, 7i, 8i, 9i, PW, GW, AW, LW, and a 50 Putter. I shoot consistently in the mid to upper 70s.

I have made the game simple for myself. I feel comfortable with every shot that I play on the golf course. And I know exactly what I can and can’t do with every club. There’s never a time on the course I feel uncomfortable hitting one of my clubs, and I don’t have to worry about distance control with my wedges because I play 4. This allows me to take a full swing most of the time. I know exactly how far I can hit each one.

Ok, ok I have just a one more extra point to touch on. For novice players, and sometimes intermediate players alike, one of the greatest feelings in the world is making great contact with the ball and watching it sail just where you wanted it to. If you would like to feel this more often, make sure that you are hitting through the ball and keeping your eye on the ball through impact.

Golf can be a simple game.if you let it. Learn what you can do well and do that. Get comfortable with your clubs, hitting off the tee, and playing on and approaching the green. If you make a mistake, understand that the game is not over and that’s what makes you love golf in the first place.because a bad shot makes a Great shot that much sweeter.

Golf – How To Play 18 Holes In 4 Hours Or Less

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Most courses want you to play your 18 Holes in 4 Hours or Less, the reason is with the exception of the extremely wealthy (elitist) private clubs, courses revenues are based on time.

There are some simple procedures you can follow – that will allow you to play within the required time, and still enjoy the round without feeling pressured.

If the club has a good Ranger System – things usually work without much of a problem, but it’s in each players interest to learn the little things you can do, to help yourself and your group enjoy the round.

Always remember this : Your Place On The Course Is Right Behind The Group In Front, at any given time there may be nobody behind you – so you take your time – THIS IS A NO NO , before you know it there can be several groups backed up behind you – and the round can be ruined for a bunch of players.

Letting faster players through is not always the answer – sometimes it makes things worse, my advice Is for your group to move up to within half a hole of the group in front, if you have to miss a hole (a par 3 maybe) – you can usually play an extra hole to make up.

Don’t be a ball hawker – if you can’t find or get to your ball within 15 seconds , and there are people behind you – put another one down and continue play, you’ll make or keep a lot more friends at that course that count if you do things like that.

Just a few tips to make the game more enjoyable.

One Of The Best Ways To Improve Your Golf Game

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Most people who play golf find that they want or need to improve their golf game. Even the top pros need to keep working on their game in order to keep progressing. I guess the only people that don’t want or need to improve their golf game are those occasional players who just like to walk the course with their friends for a bit of fun.

Assuming that you fall into the category of the vast majority of golfers who want to improve their game how do you go about it? For most people the answer lies in spending some time with a golf professional at their local club. But for this investment of time and money to be most valuable you have to know what aspect of your game you want to improve. For example, you might be looking for tips on how to improve your swing, your putting, your chipping, your putting, your driving, your iron shots or your fairway woods.

As you can see just from these examples, there are many aspects to a golfer’s game and you simply can’t hope to improve them all at once. Therefore, it is imperative that you narrow it done so that your golf pro can give specific attention to the part of your game you most want to improve. In some cases this might be obvious. For example, if you keep slicing your irons off the fairway or taking three putts when you know you should be taking two, these become fairly obvious elements that you can ask your golf coach to work on.

But what if your game is suffering from a multitude of minor problems? Perhaps there is nothing obvious but it just doesn’t feel like you are playing at the top of your game or perhaps, you have some good holes and some bad ones and your aim is to improve your consistency. How do you go about narrowing down what you need to work on?

I’d like to share a tip with you that I stumbled across by accident. This only came about because I had four pre-paid golf lessons that were about to expire and I used them to play nine holes with the golf pro at my local club. We just played and chatted and he didn’t coach me once. At the end of the nine holes we went to the clubhouse for some lunch and went through his notes. He had identified four areas of my game that I should work on including my swing, my chipping, my pitching and my stance. He suggested that we should have a lesson on each of these aspects of my golf game followed by me practicing at the driving range and on the course.

As it was the end of the season I decided to wait until the following year and I took him up on his suggestion at the beginning of the following season. We started with stance and swing, then a few weeks later we worked on the pitching and finally, the pitching. By the end of the season my handicap had come down by six shots which of course, I was delighted by.

We then had another nine holes at the end of the season and worked out a coaching plan for the new season. And that’s where I am at now, waiting for the new season to start so that I can improve my golf game and my handicap further still.

So my advice is this, get a golf pro to analyze your game and identify what you need to work on before you have any lessons.

Golf-Stormy Singapore Open set for Monday finale

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* Rain-reduced tournament to finish on Monday

* Fernandez-Castano blows four-shot lead on back nine

* Pagunsan bidding for first European Tour event

Filipino Juvic Pagunsan andSpain’s Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano will return on Monday tocomplete a sudden-death playoff for a Singapore Open title thatthe weather seems determined to wash out.

Both men finished the dramatic final round of a tournamentalready reduced to 54 holes tied on 14 under par on Sunday, buttwo attempts at a sudden-death playoff failed under the leadenand stormy skies over Sentosa Golf Club.

The entire field had completed their third rounds in afive-hour window between weather warnings but the joint leaderswere only able to tee off on the par-five 18th playoff holebefore the threat of thunder sent them back to the clubhouse.

After a 90-minute delay, both men returned to lay up shortof the green as buggies rushed them down the sodden fairway tospeed up the action, but the heavens opened once more and aftertwo hours of non-stop rain, play was abandoned for the day.

The Monday finish, the second in a row, represents a hugedisappointment for the players, organisers and fans, who hadfinally been rewarded for their patience after three days offrustrating breaks with a nail-biting final round.

In regulation play, Pagunsan drained a 12-foot birdie putton the last to record a four-under 67 before overnight leaderFernandez-Castano recovered to hole a similar-length putt forpar after finding water off the tee.

“It was a nice putt as I saw Gonzalo’s drive was in thewater,” the ever-smiling Pagunsan told reporters. “In my mind, Ithought I was going to win, not in a playoff.

“But he made the putt also. I’m still here and will wait fora result tomorrow.”

The Spaniard had held a four-stroke lead at the turn andappeared to be cruising to victory, but a dramatic collapse onthe back nine led to him dropping three shots as the pressurebegan to tell on the 31-year-old over the closing holes.

“It was a tough day out there, one of the toughest I haveever had,” the Spaniard admitted.

“The heat was brutal and my game was no good. I was feelingthe pressure because it’s been a long time without a victory andI want to win this one desperately.”

The 33-year-old Pagunsan had slipped under the radar in hispursuit of a first European Tour victory, playing a solidbogey-free round to close on the leaders as one by one thecontenders threatened before falling away.

“I’m really happy that I’ve saved my (Asian Tour) card fornext year now,” Pagusan added. “I am hoping to win still. I’llgo back and have a good rest and get ready for the playoff.”

Should Fernandez-Castano seal victory in the $6-millionco-sanctioned event, it will be his fifth on the European Tourand first since 2008, when he edged out Lee Westwood in aplayoff for the British Masters.

“It has been another long day waiting around but tomorrow isa new day and anything can happen,” Fernandez-Castano added. “Weare both in a good position on the fairway.”

Anthony Kim (64) and Louis Oosthuizen (65) stormed up theleaderboard to finish one behind the leading pair, with NewZealand’s Danny Lee, Dutchman Joost Luiten and Italy’s EdoardoMolinari a further shot back in a tie for fifth place.

European Tour tournament director Mike Stewart confirmed theplayers would return at 7.30 a.m. local time (2330 GMT onSunday) to complete the playoff.

“We had a small window of opportunity which we tried totake. We got the players out and they hit one more shot but wehad to bring them in again,” he said.

“It was dangerous out there. There was lightning flyingaround.”

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Tips For Fixing A Golf Slice That Work

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Slicing is probably the most common golf swing fault players struggle with. That dreaded shot pattern from left to right cuts off so much distance, makes the holes play longer and more difficult, and can have any golfer want to give up golf altogether. Don’t let slicing get you down any longer. Take control of your golf slice and turn it into longer, straighter shots with every club in your bag. Here are a few helpful tips to combat your slice and play better golf.

If you are slicing the ball, the first step towards fixing it is to understand what you are doing wrong. High handicap players may have a poor grip where they hold the club handle to far up in their palms. This is considered a weak grip and it’s important to have a neutral or strong grip it you want to stop your slice. The next step is getting your setup correct. Many golfers who slice will tend to have their shoulders open in the setup. If you take a club and set it across your shoulders when you are setup to the golf ball, the club should point parallel to your target. It’s easy to misalign your shoulders and not even be aware so make sure you are setup square with your body and your feet and you’ll be in a better position to swing your club on the correct path and plane and hit straighter shots.

Getting your swing in sync by leading with your club will allow your timing to be better at impact and you’ll be able to hit the ball straighter. The two biggest problems with swing sequence are starting the body turn too early on the backswing and opening the upper body too early from the start of the downswing. If you keep your back turned facing your target when you start your downswing, you’ll be able to direct your club down the same plane line as you had in the backswing.

The biggest problem associated with slicing is opening your upper body too early on the downswing. This causes the shoulders to become open at impact and the club usually gets dragged across the line towards left field. We want the club to swing straight towards the target just after impact and then continue to finish over the left shoulder. When the club cuts across from right to left, a sidespin is put on the golf ball which cause the left to right shot pattern or a slice in extreme cases.

To combat a slice shot pattern, you can also focus on rounding out your swing plane and swing path. Ideally, a swing that is on plane is right over the tip of the right shoulder in the backswing. A swing too steep will have the club high over the neck or even head of the golfer. If this is an issue for you, try to feel like you are swinging the club more around your body like a baseball bat. You always want to monitor your checkpoints when changing something so you don’t overcorrect the change and develop the opposite or another fault.

If you work on techniques to fix your slice, eventually you could overdo it and start hooking the ball. This is why it’s helpful to have checkpoints to go by when you are working on your technique. Sticking to the fundamental and understanding your golf swing will take you a long way on the path to great golf.

Notes Mediate’s musings on Tiger; Amateur hour

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SAN MARTIN, Calif. – Rocco Mediate caused a stir in golf circles when he said he was “disgusted” with what’s going on with Tiger Woods’ swing, saying his physical motion is strong criticism of Woods’ most recent coaches, Sean Foley and Hank Haney.

Mediate didn’t back away from his opinion Tuesday, although he made it clear that few others are rooting harder for Woods to return to dominance. And he believes Woods will again get back to No. 1.

“If he gets his golf swing back, that game’s over,” Mediate said. “Because he knows that once he figures out where his ball is going, it’s over. He’s already proved it a million – how many times? – 71 times, and 14 majors. “If he can find his ball again, if he gets that club up where it belongs, trust me. He’s not done yet.”

Mediate said he has not spoken to Woods and didn’t expect to.

They are linked by their playoff at Torrey Pines in the 2008 U.S. Open, where Woods made a birdie putt on the last hole in regulation to force extra holes, then beat Mediate in a 19-hole playoff despite playing with a shattered left leg.

Mediate appeared to contradict himself at one point.

He said Woods’ problems are 100 percent physical, and that his sole problem is the swing.

“He owns the mental side of it,” Mediate said. “But on the physical side, here’s what I would say. You can mentally think certain things in golf, but if you physically can’t do it … if the club is in the wrong place, the ball won’t go where you’re looking.”

Later, however, someone asked about Woods beating him at Torrey Pines on essentially one leg. Woods made double bogey on the first hole three times during that U.S. Open.

“And if you think about it, how did he win that event? Did he win it physically or mentally?” Mediate said. “Think about what he did. I saw shots from that man at Torrey Pines that I couldn’t even imagine hitting. But he just kept walking, whatever. That’s greatness.”

BOO’S BACK: Boo Weekley is at No. 173 on the money list and in jeopardy of losing his PGA Tour card for the first time in five years. So why was he smiling when he registered for the Frys.com Open.

At least he feels good.

Weekley has been troubled by a sore left shoulder, courtesy of a cyst that was pressing into the bone.

He finally decided to have his dermatologist cut it out during a routine skin cancer check in July. He was supposed to be out for five weeks, but he played twice – the Wyndham Championship and on the Nationwide Tour – just to check it out, knowing he would get five weeks off during the FedEx Cup playoffs.

He tied for 29th last week in Las Vegas and feels his swing is coming around.

“It feels good,” he said. “First time since `09 that I haven’t felt any pain. And I’ve lost 15 pounds.”

But he hasn’t lost that Southern charm.

As he registered, the woman behind the desk asked Weekley if he wanted access to the spa facilities at CordeValle.

No, ma’am, but thank you,” Weekley replied. “Ain’t nothing in that spa that’s gonna make me no prettier.”

Then, she offered him a tour of the facilities.

“Locker room over there? Food over there?” Weekley said, pointing in two directions. “That’s really all I need. But thank you.”

TIGER AND THE AMATEUR: One guy has 71 wins and more than $90 million on the PGA Tour. The other is a UCLA sophomore with no wins and no official earnings. Tiger Woods and Patrick Cantlay have hardly anything in common – except for their tee time the opening two days of the Frys.com Open.

Woods and Cantlay will play together with former British Open champion Louis Oosthuizen.

What is an amateur doing in the same group as major champions?

The PGA Tour has been tweaking a few groupings this year to help make it more appealing for TV viewers. It starts with eight groups of three players – four groups in the morning draw, four in the afternoon draw. Twenty players are taken alternately from the world ranking and the FedEx Cup standings. The other four come from the winner’s category.

However, the tour now can have one “wild card” to swap out from the four players in the winner’s category. This week, Cantlay was chosen, and then put in the same group as Woods.

CLARKE’S CLARET JUG: Darren Clarke has had the claret jug for nearly three months, and he’s happy to report that the British Open trophy is still in one piece. That’s not to say it hasn’t had a few dings.

“I have not managed to drop it yet – myself,” he said last week at the Dunhill Links Championship. “But a few other people have. It can bend quite easily, believe it or not. I won’t tell you where it was, but it’s happened a few times. And it’s not my fault.”

Clarke has ordered the maximum three replicas of the claret jug. He has to return the real one next July, and it might not be in exactly the same shape as when he first held it at Royal St. George’s. But that’s probably true of past Open champions.

“Other people have obviously had a bit of fun with it before I got my hands on it, so I’m not the only one, I’m sure,” he said. “I did give it a bit of a twist to straighten it out a little bit.”

DIVOTS: With three tournaments left on the PGA Tour schedule, a record 21 players already have earned more than $3 million this year. … Adam Scott has signed an endorsement deal with Mercedes-Benz, which will start in 2012. … Luke Donald leads the worldwide money list at just more than $8 million. Next on the list is Webb Simpson, who has played two more tournaments, at $5.76 million. … Kevin Na drew attention to himself last week by purposely missing the ball so he could start over. The move is allowed in the Decisions on the Rules of Golf. It’s different from Tiger Woods, known for suddenly stopping his swing before impact if he doesn’t like it. “If Tiger is strong enough to do that, good for him,” Na said. “I’m not, so I’m going over it. But I definitely think he looks cooler stopping halfway down.”

STAT OF THE WEEK: There have been 28 first-time winners in the two years since Tiger Woods last won on the PGA Tour.

FINAL WORD: “If you look at the No. 1 ranking, the guys that are in there, I’m just trying to think if they won more majors than me. And I don’t think they did. That bothers me a little bit.”- Rocco Mediate, who has never won a major.